.Prisoner to the mind.
Let’s talk about PTSD. I never knew what it felt like or what it really was or hell how much it would change my life. Until I was in that delivery room, pushing like my life depended on it, waiting to meet my baby girl, and so many things didn’t go according to plan. I never knew the trauma would haunt me, I never knew that seeing her head in a particular position would hit me the way it does. It’s like a thousand bowling balls that don’t stop headed straight for you.
I never knew that holding my baby girl while she naps would cause so much pain, yet so much joy.
I never knew PTSD. I had always heard about it, seen it from family members like my brother, who was in Iraq. Felt for those suffering with it. But to truly understand it. I wish it on no one.
Because to live with it is like living with the devil inside you. It’s your mind; it takes over and makes you relive those moments, it makes you feel those moments, and you get angry, mad, and worthless.
I wouldn’t change Finley’s delivery for anything; it was perfectly imperfect. I wish I didn’t have the PTSD that followed it.
It takes a small trigger, and I’m all emotions crying, not knowing how to get my mind out of the monotonous loop of the events.
I remember the first time we drove by the hospital after she was born, I couldn’t take it. I told my husband while holding his hand and sobbing WOW; that’s where it all began. Now I look at my precious beautiful baby girl, still in disbelief, she’s mine and thank GOD he brought her into this world safe and healthy.
To be a prisoner of your mind is like being locked in a clear box watching the world go by, and there is nothing you can do about it.
I know our PTSD recovery will take time, as all healing does. We all have different triggers and ways of coping. I have not yet found my coping method, soon though one day I will, but for now, I’m going to hold my baby girl, praise the heavens above and rejoice that she is my miracle child! Love her with all that I have.