Crying over spilled milk? It’s normal, right? It has to be. I spilled a whole bottle 50% breastmilk 50% formula. To see that milk spilled all over the counter as my eyes filled with tears, hit me like a ton of bricks. Triggering guilt and a sense of selfishness. I couldn’t finish fixing the bottle. I started cleaning it up with kitchen towels and ran off to the laundry room to put them in the washer with my hands to my face trying to hold back the extreme emotion and tears. I couldn’t get passed the attachment I felt. From the beginning, I knew I wanted to do it for as long as I could. My ultimate goal of nursing for a year soon turned into a month to month then a day by day goal. Something so good for my miracle child, I couldn’t take the pain any longer.
Matt came into the room and held me as I balled my eyes out. He says, “Do you see what it’s doing to you, she feels that. She feeds off your emotions. It’s time babe.” In my mind, I knew it was time, but for some reason, I could not let go.
At that point, I still didn’t know what to do. I thought if I start pumping right now, I could build my supply back up. I could start all over, and it all would be ok. Well, I did just that I pumped on a Thursday evening while Matt cooked dinner I sat in Finley’s room connected to the pump crying the whole time, asking myself “What are you doing?”. Once I was done Matt asked me “So, how was it” I told him fine, but lying to myself I knew deep down I was not ok, it hurt like hell, my nipples were on fire and it didn’t fix the emotional hold I was hoping it would. At that moment, I told him I AM DONE. I promise this time. I needed that one last session to finalize my feelings, that this was it.
It has been almost three weeks since I decided to wean Finley off my milk onto formula; it has been an uphill battle for me. I had NO idea I would have this extreme emotional attachment to breastfeeding. We started her on the same formula they gave her in the hospital. She did OK when we were splitting it 50% breastmilk and 50% formula. She began to show she was having trouble digesting when we went 75% formula and 25% breastmilk. After many emails and phone calls to her doctor and lactation consultant, we found a formula that worked for her. Enfamil Reguline! ( no this is not a paid AD for them) We are now going strong on week four of formula, and Finley is doing great. I’m ME again, to say I don’t have my days of wishing I was still nursing would be a lie, but I can tell you I’m much happier now that I have let go of most of the guilt. Her health and happiness are what I want.