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The past few weeks starting at my 12 week appointment with our fertility clinic, ( as of today I’m currently 14w4d) Ive known the day of being released and taken off meds would come.
NEVER did I think it would be this hard for me. You get so used to being on this medication and you begin to depend on them in your mind, or so you think you need to depend on.
We have been doing some back and forth with being on PIO and off PIO to see if my placenta has taken over and if it’s producing progesterone properly to the baby to keep up the pregnant.
We were taken off PIO and asked to come back in a week later to check my level. While I was on PIO my levels were good nice and high above 20. The first week I was taken off my progesterone dropped to 11 so we were put back on levels raised to 38, once again good. We were then taken back off for a week and rechecked level dropped to 16, we were then put back on where level raised to 41.99. Tuesday 11/5 was my very last PIO and Wednesday was my very last blood check. In case you didn’t know I’m terrified to be off.
I’m so scared not knowing anymore updates, in the infertility world you taking injections and pills, patches and what ever else and it becomes second nature and part of “the routine” that when you come off of those things you almost feel naked and striped of your security blanket. You have to set your mind back to trusting your body knows what to do. But how do you trust it when all this time it has had hiccups and bumps in the road. We are FINALLY here with a precious baby girl growing and thriving in my belly and I want nothing more than for these next months to go by so fast so I can hold her and know she is HERE safe with us. The emotions that come along with pregnancy alone are such a roller coaster one moment you have no worry in the world ( if that’s possible) then next you think oh if only I could hear her sweet heartbeat then I’d be at ease or to see her cute little body then I can breath.
Ever since we found out we were pregnant I have really tried to be 100% happy without fear, can we say easier sad than done. It’s always in the back of my mind because thats what we have become used to, the phone calls of sorry not this time, and you gear up for the next transfer cycle to do it all over again. BUT when you finally hear those words YOU ARE PREGNANT you first are over whelmed with happiness and joy but fear and doubt quickly swoops in like and eagle catching it’s prey, and you go into reserve your feelings mode but deep down hoping and praying baby stays with you till term. You don’t show your fears because you don’t want judgment or someone to think your ungrateful, in all reality you are just scared shitless because you have NEVER been here before.
This is real life, it’s infertility, it’s non-infertility it’s pregnancy. It’s being a mom we worry.
I am REALLY trying to TRUST my body and the Dr.’s who have gotten us this far and the ones who will continue care until Sweet Finley joins us on the outside. Thanks for always being supportive, showing us SO much love and care we truly value each and everyone of you that have been here along our journey. I will continue to worry I’m sure, but I pray it will subside as we progress, it’ll take me some time I’ll get there.