Well yep, here we are again…
Our “3rd times a charm” embryo just wasn’t our time. I find myself at a loss for words on these posts because after so many defeating moments I have become numb to the heartbreak, pain, and disappointment. Your mind wonders to that dark place you have worked SO damn hard to get out of. It’s almost become routine now…get excited, take the meds, do the appointment, start PIO injections, have the transfer and bed rest, it failed cry start your chemical bleed start meds again and the cycle is just over and over and over again. It’s become exhausting and your norm when THIS IS NOT normal.
Am I meant to be a bio mother? Am I meant to have children? What lesson is all of this supposed to be teaching me(us)?
Why? What’s wrong? How can we fix it? When is it our turn? So many damn questions left with no answers. I know God has a plan, it’s ok if his plan doesn’t align with our timeline but geez I just don’t know how much more of this I (we) can take. The constant remembering of appointments, medications to take, OH and don’t forget that god awful progesterone injection every night.
These are the injections we are doing every night into my lower back/butt muscle. We are doing the PIO shots every night! That is a 22 Gauge 1 1/2″ needle.
We have celebrated starting this journey, having embryos, to a very low pregnancy chance, we have mourned our losses yet every time we must pick ourselves back up off the ground and keep moving forward. WHY? for what? That answer is so clear to me, my WHY is the gift of being a Mother is one I long for, I can’t stop the pull and drive. This journey isn’t for everyone, hell it may not even be for me.
I do believe we are where we are supposed to be, I know our time is coming and when it does finally happen it will be oh so glorious and beautiful!
A friend of mine sent this to me and I found it to be so true ” It’s not the end of the road, it may be full of holes and bumps, watch out for cows, and don’t hit the stray cat along the way, I hope you have your seat belt on.” This is so true there are so many obstacles, turns, frontflips, and backflips but one thing is for sure I know our times are coming.
I’m tired, I’m defeated, I’m broken down, I’m exhausted
I’m not sure what our next step is at this point, I’m also not sure I will post about it as it’s happening. But know we love each and every one of you that come to this blog, I hope it can help if you are on this journey, completed this journey, just started, just wanting to know more about IVF and the truly unimaginable struggle.
The Oak Tree…. A Message Of Encouragement
A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree’s leaves away, Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark. Until the oak was tired and stark, But still the oak tree held its ground while other trees fell all around. The weary wind gave up and spoke,
“How can you still be standing, Oak?” The oak tree said, “I know that you Can break each branch of mine in two, Carry every leaf away, Shake my limbs, and make me sway. But I have roots stretched in the earth, Growing stronger since my birth. You’ll never touch them, for you see, They are the deepest part of me. Until today, I wasn’t sure Of just how much I could endure, But now I’ve found, with thanks to you, I’m stronger than I ever knew.” -Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.