The turmoil within

“Are you ok?”

I reply “yes, why?”

She replies “you don’t sound happy”

To be honest, her response surprised me, you see going through infertility all these years you build a mask so thick that you yourself don’t even know how your feeling or what you want. I sat back and reflected on what my mom said “you don’t sound happy” words that I pray she never has to say again or feel. I’d be kidding myself if I said oh yea I’m fine, I’m happy. You put your feelings aside because it’s easier than having to feel them.  My lower back/butt/hips itch every day, the pain from injections I still deal with, the numbness is just a reminder that you had what seemed like a million nights of crying your eyes out as your husband injects you with medication, coaching you through every tear and all the while in the back of your mind you are praying for this to work so you don’t have to put yourself, your husband and family through this again. You think about what he’s thinking as he’s injecting his (you) wife with medication, wishing he could take the pain, emotions and the hurt away, for him to carry the burden instead of me.

You start to contemplate your self-worth, am I enough? I spent this last weekend telling people if this round doesn’t work I’m done, we are selling EVERYTHING and going on a world adventure together of course with blu, and then I start to think about how fun that would be and cool of a story for us, that’s when I realized I have a mask on.  I am shoving my emotions and fears of this whole journey away by thinking about something else more grand and exciting. It’s so much easier than having to deal with the true turmoil going on in your mind and soul. You start to slip into depression, a deep dark hole you start to think there is no way out, there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel. You try to maintain a positive attitude and outlook when all you want to do is not get out of bed in the morning and stay curled up to not face the day. In your dreams, you can be anyone or anything, the pain of infertility doesn’t exist in your dreams because you don’t allow it, your mind is tired when you’re awake, always trying to shut off the emotions of not being able to give your husband that one true cherished gift of a child.

It’s hard going from being so excited to disappointment to then trying to be excited again and hope for no more disappointment, I go back and forth of feeling like we shouldn’t do this round and take a long vacation and just enjoy each other again, then to let’s adopt any kid, to I really want to know what it’s like to carry a child. Some days are better than others.

I ask God is this what he put me on this earth to do, be a MOM? I question why so many women and men deal with this every day 1 in 8 couples will experience infertility, it’s just too many.

I think about how cool it would be to have the connection my mom and I have with a child of my own.

She sent me another message while taking my evening bath to relax my brain and body.

“I hug you so much. Maybe a long talk with the man upstairs. Let Him help you with the decision. I feel the confusion with You. That’s why I felt something…I LOVE YOU.”

How incredible is that, my mom is my best friend without a doubt.