These last couple of days I’ve been so anxious to get this surgery done, something I’ve been dealing with for 15+ years now and finally going to get the answers and confirmation I have been needing for so long. Having dealt with Chronic pain my whole life, it’s become a part of my daily routine it’s all I know. Don’t get me wrong I want to be out of this pain more than anything. I’m sure this will all be an adjustment. The pain, fatigue, and emotions will all be different. I’m hoping I don’t know what pain and exhaustion feel like for a while, I wonder how long this help? Is it going to come back in a week, month, a year, 5 years? To finally feel like the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t as far away as it has been it’s such an emotional feeling.
I’m also just scared of the fact that I know that just having this one surgery isn’t going to fix me forever, I know that I may have to have a few more surgeries in my future. It’s just so sad that our medical field doesn’t know enough about this horrific, painful, exhausting disease but yet so many women are affected by it and are living with is every single day. To feel “normal” is a feeling I’m not even sure of. Since I started my period I never had “normal” cycles the pain and discomfort started immediately for me.
Nervous about the fact that I hate being put under, I don’t like the feeling what so ever. Its the feeling of not being in control of your self and how you feel. I’m nervous about if we are making the right decision for our family to continue and go through IVF and the struggle. I’m scared that what if it doesn’t work, and we are just crushed how many times do we do before we say enough is enough? Is putting my body through all the treatments worth it? Should we just adopt and know for a fact we will have a family? To say I’m struggling is an understatement. I want kids more than anything in this world, anyone who knows’s me on a personal level can attest to that.
This whole journey has consumed my mind, it’s ALL I think about. When we decided to take a break from our treatments after our 2 failed IUI’s I feel like my want and love for the babies that could be, has only gotten stronger and deeper. It’s so hard to believe that you can love something SO much and you’ve never even met them or felt them inside you. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies.
We will see this through because more than anything we want our own biological children to raise and watch grow into the most beautiful people inside and out that they can possibly be, and we know that is they cannot be biological we will have a family one way or another! We are excited to begin our journey and cannot wait to go through the motions and process!
As you all know we have set up a gofundme account, we are still in need of donations to help financially get us through this process. We are SO thankful and grateful for those who have donated already it has helped us be able to pay for a portion of my surgery which is so amazing. Anything you can give is always appreciated. https://www.gofundme.com/2bm44-our-fertility-journey
I will give an update next after surgery March 1, 2018!